Pud Pulling Nursing Home Residents

Today is Sunday. I type this in the morning hours because today is the day that Star (The Dog) and I go visit the less privileged among us.That's right, the nursing home. You know the place where productive members of society are dumped when they no longer prove to be one hundred percent useful. Your mom would baby set and then have your supper packaged up in Tupperware when you stopped by after work to pick up the little tykes. Or  because both parents are SO busy with school, ballgames, work, extramarital freaky geeky at work, etc. that grandpa runs by and does the yard work. But when the kids start to school the teachers are now the baby setters and granny isn't as needed. Her feelings are naturally hurt because she thinks she was used! So she stops cooking take-out. Bad decision granny! You've just oiled the skids to the hell that awaits, also known as "The Retirement Community". The talk begins among the old woman's (She's 67)  children. "You know, I worry about mom living by herself". The other kid(s) see where this is going and not wanting to be the one that gets stuck with maw maw, hedge their bets." You're right, she's been going down hill ever since dad died while weed-eating your yard". It all starts with an "Assisted living facility" (because mom deserves the best). Like an apartment where someone comes by to beat, no, I mean rape, no, no, comes by to check on grams every day.Her children then find out that granny's estate must pay for the "facility" and not the taxpayers. Grandmother's bank account is emptied with the quickness and real estate agents are on her house like a preacher on a free fried chicken!  Still, the cost of the "Assisted living facility" is more than the government (taxpayers) will fall for. The children, not wanting to be out any cash to help the person who gave birth to them, co-signed the note for their first house, and generally spent the most productive years of her life caring for some ingrates, look for cheap. So granny is down graded to nursing home ("She'll know people there")That's where Star (The Dog) comes in. Star is a miniature Australian Shepherd, full of kinetic energy like a leaf spring on a jacked up Jeep. She hits the door doing her whole body wag, shedding hair and dander to get these thankful folks' sinus' up and running again (pun unintended,but still welcome). She visits each and everyone for a brief second before moving on with someones I.V. bottle hung on her collar. We stay as long as I feel comfortable (about twelve minutes). That is all I can take of the weird dude with the large forehead hitting on me. He says "You need to go out with me sometime". And you need to sell some of that excess forehead space for local advertising. Earn some extra coin I think. Just before I build a shoe store in his ass, we are ushered out.
    On the drive home I recalled the special times I had with my own grandpa at the nursing home. He was a victim of Alzheimer's disease and had no idea who I was but that made it more fun for me. You see when people lose their minds they become another person entirely. Gramps became a sex fiend and rubbed one out day and night, day and night. As he puller his pud he would call out the name of my long dead granny."Ninny, Ninny", thinking he was making babies with his wife. "Ninny,Ninny !"He would cry out. I would encourage him."Hit it hard paw,paw. Hit it like you live!" Leaving, I would walk by the nurses station. They would stare at me with eyes narrowed to slits and I would give them one last Ricky-ism. "My grandfather needs a tissue" , I would say. More later CR copyright,cousinricky2010llC.

Terrorist Murder of Happy Days Stars

My wife loves reality shows,right now American Idol is on and Wanda Sikes is dispensing humor!HA!That's almost as funny as saying America Idol is dispensing talent!When I was growing up,critics derided Happy Days,with stars,Henry Winkler as Fonzie,Anson Williams as Potsie,both of whom were killed in an alleged spying mission over Canada,after their plane was shot down.A little known white separatist group calling themselves Monty Python,an ancient Gaelic term meaning flaccid penis,claimed responsibility.It was long suspected that they were insanely jealous of Happy Days' well written humor and spot on satire of current events.Ron Howard(Ritchie Cunningham)went on to write and star in such iconic hits as Star Wars,Pretty Woman,Titanic,E.T.,The Vagina Monologue,Forrest Gump,Saving Private Ryan,Water World,Dances With Wolves,Mad Max,Halloween,Blair Witch Project,Avatar,Alice in Wonderland,The Andy Griffith Show,Gone With The Wind,Scary Movie(s)1,2,3 ,and several other movies that the lying,thieving,hacks,The Wayans brothers said they wrote.The United States,fearing British entertainment terrorism,provided around the clock security for America's preeminent screen writer,bard,play write,director,and actor.Ron Howard is American entertainment.Once while working as a Walden Security guard I was on a UPS flight across the Pacific Ocean.Shackled to my arm was the only working manuscript of an unknown movie named Jurassic Park.Just before the plane was struck by lighting, Ron and a CIA agent named Tom Hanks,,jumped me in the cargo hold.During the struggle I cut the hydraulic line to the rudder and the plane started down.Ron and I struck a deal and using the only two parachutes on board,bailed out.We left Tom to go down alone on a deserted island and deliver a particularly nuanced performance in Castaway.Later as the Academy award winner in each category was announced and none were was named Tom or Ron,I bellowed "Who's your cousin!?" copyrighrcousinricky2010LLc.

4:20 and dead Dead Marley

It's 4:20.Do you know where your children are?Hope they're only toking dank.Not doing criminal activity.Like smoking scrub.Lord forbid!

2012 and those damn Mayans.

Today I tilled the garden with the MTD counter -rotating, rear tine tiller. It belongs to my brother but he brought it to my house and dumped it off after it caused him to need a knee replacement.That years garden cost him thirty thousand dollars.Then while he was convalescing,his wife decided to plow her flower patch, and the tiller pinned her against the house and broke a couple of ribs.That's how I inherited it. I am grateful....I think.I am typing this with one hand because, the tiller of certain hurt(TCH) hung on a root,lurched unexpectedly to the left and pulled my right arm out of socket.While I was flailing about in obvious pain the TCH saw it's chance to escape and tried to chew through the new fence.A family of city dwellers drove by, witnessed this scene and were frightened by it.They did not stop to help.They did speed away.Writhing about in agony,I finished turning the soil with my fore head.Thankfully Star(The Dog) saw what was happening and jumped on my back causing the shoulder and arm to pop back into alignment.The pain was subsided enough that I was able to guzzle some George Dickle Tennessee sipping whisky, further reducing the pain ,as well as reducing my ability to speak and type.Star(The Dog) is walking around my chair,concern written on her face. Puss (The Cat)has no such worries. She could care less about my well being.Puss(The Cat) is looking forward to 2012 and the end of the Mayan calender.She is hoping for the end of humanity just so I am killed .Puss(The Cat) wants only herself and my wife to remain alive.Kill them all except for one .Save the wife to pour the Kitten Chow.Many people are worried about the end of the Mayan calender.They say the Mayans predicted the end of the world,that they were geniuses.I say I am smarter than the Mayans.I am still here and they are history. HA! At least the anthropologists say they are extinct,for whatever that is worth.All the experts said the coelacanth was extinct.Native people along the coast of Africa have been catching them forever,although they said(and I quote)"They taste a little like fish".And the "experts" said the Ivory Billed Woodpecker was gone as well.HA HA! FOOLS!There's a nest,in a tree, right down the road at the Mayans house.That's right, there's a family of Mayans living in Haletown! They wear very bright and colorful clothing, and speak in an ancient dialect.None of us understand.When they are in a hurry they say pronto. When they are hungry they say burrito.When they are thirsty they say cervas.They are through with working in astronomy,they now are employed at Tennessee Galvanizing.The Italians running the place love the Mayans, because they don't complain about the poisonous fumes.When the the Mayans get sick they go to the county hospital for free care(because the Italians don't provide workers comp for Mayans)and the rest of us taxpayers are grateful to pay so the operators(Italians)can continue to live the life style they so richly deserve.It's free enterprise at it's best baby.No welfare. Give them a job ,then work them 'till they turn green from zinc poisoning,Goddamn it!If you can't keep up,crawl off and die,you worthless bastard.It's free enterprise.So you've ingested a few neurotoxins and now you've got a lazy eye and a full body twitch."We(and I quote)could deal with the eye,but the twitch angers the customers".There's aways another another Mayan at the door looking for work,because the people we elect are Pure Capitalists ! They say USA!USA!USA!Because that's what gets them re-elected!Simpletons will stock pile beans,bullets and band-aids and then vote for the same assholes ! 2012 will be the end of the world because a tribe of simple phucks, living in the jungle,sacrificing virgins,(we all know the bitches needed it) and worshiping the sun, were correct on the movement of the planets and the constellations !Right now the Mayans are paving the road in front of my house and I talk for a living.Who's the dumb ass?I ain't got a shovel in my hand! But it's probably a Freemason conspiracy right,you liberty loving bastards.Would that be the same Freemasons that signed the constitution that you hold so dear?The same people that helped shape the form of government that you now claim sole ownership to? Honestly, as I type this Tim Allen on Jimmy Kimmel live is poking fun of the masons.He Never WAS funny! Now the Mayans,who I've invited in from the road with a promise of a cervsa and a burrito,were impressed by the idiot tube.One tribal elder said(and I quote)"Fur Ma' pronto,Ces's hua cosuin" That's Mayan for "Get your preparations in order;food,guns,ammo,a bug out spot,and a water purification system,and hurry!Oh yeah.Who's your cousin!"copyrightcousinricky2010llc.NOTE: This blog was predicted by the Mayan.Research it at; Bolder :6, Stone:2578,Rock:445,Gravel:9,Pebble;20210.I ain't lying dude.Look it up bitch.It is written!

NASCAR gang wars

It's the weekend and Nascar time for the gear heads.Today's Nascar is packaged for mass consumption.Emotionally neutral drones driving 'round and 'round.Yawn.It wasn't always like that.Nascar drivers were the original gangstas.At the 1979 Daytona 500,which was the first time a Nascar race had been televised live from flag to flag,there was a brawl at the end of the race.Most of the nation was watching due to a huge snowstorm on the east coast. On the last lap,a bloods vs.crips turf war erupted. Cale(Switchblade) Yarbrough rolled up on Bobby(Big Moneys) Allison and began flashing gang signs.While looking for his handgun,Bobby's car wiggled, and he got into Cale. They both wrecked and began to gang bang on the back stretch. Bobby's posse arrived in the form of his bro. Donny.The 'banging spilled over to the pits and even an alleged drive-by on motor home row!While all this was taking place, Richard Petty, a known member of the Wu Tan Clan,drove to the win. As the five-oh restored order by laying a Rodney King style beat down on the homeys,Richard Petty was in the winners circle drinking a forty with the moneys and the honeys.A young driver from Owensboro Ky.(a well known entry point for international street gang members), by the name of Darrell Waltrip, was an emerging player in the 'hood,as the Nascar community was becoming to be known.Although Waltrip managed to keep his crew behind the scene for years,it came to light when he finally won the 1989 Daytona 500.The time had come for MS13 to assume their place along side the other gangs.With their driver (Waltrip) winning the prestigious race, MS13 had finally come of age.As if anyone needed any more proof of the total street gang take over of Nascar,one only needs to look at video of the after race celebration.Waltrip,with cap turned to the side, doing the Spanish gang's signature victory dance,the Icky shuffle.The gang affiliation in Nascar wasn't lost on the intelligence community and they had inserted counter OP's by the mid-seventy's.Rumored CIA double agent Dale Earnhardt and British SAS operative Bill Elliot began a back and forth win campaign,which eventually crippled the other crew's ability to secure sponsorship and thus their ability to rumble.By the turn of the new century, international intelligence agency's had so infiltrated the Nascar crews that racing was a bland,lifeless shell of it's former self. Drivers were afraid to call attention to themselves, lest they be injured or killed in a last lap "incident".The attention by the law enforcement community forced the gangs to the inter-cities,where the risks were much less ,as were the purses. NOTE! I offered up this hypothesis to CMT for their "20 Greatest Red Neck Moments II.Return Of The Neck! Although they video taped it(probably for the FBI) they declined to use it on air. As I was being shown the door I defiantly turned and grabbed my crouch and loudly proclaimed "Who's your cousin"? copyright 2010cousinrickyLLC

Peak oil and black rubber suits

A few years ago my wife and I,decided we, needed" to get more exercise". Actually I was getting plenty working as a union iron worker a.k.a.Whooping and Beating for a living.Anyway,we bought an Old Town canoe for only one thousand dollars US(plus tax).This was actually a good value as far as exercise equipment goes. We (wife) bought a treadmill,that had realistic terrain mapping and elevated the platform to simulate going uphill.You could pick a program for thousands of runs the world wide.Appalachian trail? Pick your section. Washington mall? Run it.Great Wall of China? Merely press the proper buttons. This treadmill had more computing power than NASA's Apollo program and they went to the FREAKING moon.She(we) paid more for a treadmill than I did for my first Harley and I've enjoyed that bike for more than thirty years!She used the machine religiously for nine days.Then it sat unused,sucking up clothes,books,shoes,dust and cob webs.Nothing could escape it,not even light.Like a black hole.I tried to sell it,no calls. Tried to give it to family and friends,got a good cussing.Finally I robbed it of it's computer,in case I ever want to build an intercontinental ballistic missile,and hauled the rest to the dump.Now for our new form of exercise,we put the high priced canoe into the Tennessee River and went paddling. And paddled and paddled and paddled some more.Our arms fell off and yet we were far,far,far away from our take out point.The next day I purchased a Honda outboard motor for only one thousand dollars US(plus tax).The thing about an outboard on a canoe is you can turn it off and paddle if you wish.Just like you could shut off the engine of your car and jump out and push,if you wish. Both are very good exercise. You push the car while the engines idles so your family can text in a climate controlled environment.{What ya doing}[dads pushing us in the car to save gas.LOL] {WTF}[old people;)Talk about a hybrid.As for the environment,I was all for it years ago .Before Greenpeace and Al Gore.In 1990 a company was going to build a pumped storage plant near me.Electricity doesn't get any cleaner than pumped storage.Briefly,you take the excess power generating capacity at night,use it to pump water into a man-made lake on the top of a mountain,then,during peak hours(like when real people wake up and cook breakfast and get ready to go to real jobs to produce a real product like razors{take a hint you skainking, skanks})the water is released to provide electricty.Commys...I mean Environmental Protesters ,came from everywhere in the country to picket,yet they called themselves Save the Tennessee Valley.We, the counter protesters,(union labor and locals) were ready to bust a few heads, I tell you.I fully expected them to roll up on recumbent bikes,at least drive an econo box car.They could easily be headed off at the pass and we could then muck up their heads really,really bad.NO.They were driving Range Rovers and Mercedes.One group,the enforcers,came in a jacked up four wheel drive 3/4 ton Suburban.They emerged from the giant SUV,staring blankly,pupils dilated from the chronic they wuz toking.These guys were running joke to the locals.They were tall,thin,wearing the stereo typical tie-died shirts and flip flop shoes,trying unsuccessfully,with a head toss,to throw the dread locks out of their eyes."Be like shooting fish in a barrel",said the carpenter next to me."It's 4.20,and it's time for me to take out Bob Marley ."said one of my friends(Who was pretty hip to current culture)of the only black guy among the throng of pasty white losers that had filed from the truck.The carpenter, bum rushed the bums, and a foot appearing from the hippy throng met him in mid stride.Just before his jaw got broken,the sandal flew off hippys foot and took out the cement finisher in front of me.Two for one ass kicking from the counter-culture.As the first wave of my pro-project peeps neared the hippys, said hippys fell to the ground and used their legs to cripple the on rushing hoard.This was the first exposure to mixed martial arts any of us had ever seen,and we were unprepared,to say the least.The project's planners,seeing the construction workers get their asses handed to them,said screw it.The hell with trying to plan for the future.The hell with peak oil.Let these near sighted morons(and their children) scrub around in the coming dark ages,burning the last tree for heat and light,like the long dead dummy's on Easter Island.We're outta here,we can make more money with a PCB incinerator at an intercity plant.Long story short;If you don't want a power plant built near you, quit using electricity!If you oppose that new land fill, start setting your garbage out back!You have a petition to keep that prison from being built only twenty miles away? Fine and dandy,let's not build any prisons!Put the criminals on the street!Save the tax payers a ton of money.I've got smoke poles;.40 .357.12 gauge. .30.06. Have you?No? Don't like guns? You think they should be outlawed?Good luck with all those newly released convicts running around looking for a buzz and and some quality time with a woman(your wife or daughter) or maybe a man (you), if all else fails.They've hit pooter before,dude.They've been in the joint!Al Gore won't get pounded like a cube steak.He lives in a gated mansion and has guards armed with government issued machine guns.When he talks of doing without(and that's what environmental responsibility boils down to,you doing without)he's not talking about his peer group,The Elites,he's talking about you and me.The Druid over at the Arch Druid Report http://www.thearchdruidreport.blogspot.com/ says, that we have burned through one billion years of fossilized sunlight(oil and coal) in about five generations!We are almost out of cheap energy (if you don't believe gas is cheap for the work it does,cut enough wood with an ax to equal the BTU's in a gallon of heating oil,or better yet push your Volvo the twenty-four miles a gallon of liquid sunshine would carry it).My environmental policy is for me to be comfortable.A riding mower to cut the non- native grass. A tiller to turn the soil.A Jeep and a four-wheeler to upset the delicate balance of nature out on the mountain.Two Harleys,one fuel injected and responsible,the other a rich running un-muffled(that's a word in Haletown)hydrocarbon spewing, ozone depleting,glacier melting,baby seal clubbing,machine of death!When the oil runs out,I'll be at Al Gore's house.I will stand out by the fence and watch the masses walk by,looking like something out of a Mad Max movie,only not as well dressed! You may not recognize Al,because I'll have him dressed in a black rubber suit with no ass in it.On his head will be a leather hood and in his mouth will be a red ball.He'll have on a spiked collar and I'll be be holding a log chain leash. Hopefully this scene will be repeated around America. Wall Street insiders,bankers,lawyers, politicians,turned into sex slaves.Abused and discarded. Just like they have done us!Standing there holding those leashes, collectively,as a single voice we will all ask"Who's your cousin"!!!!! copyright2010 cousinrickyLLC

Possum Stomp

Tax time,bitches.And I owe.No job,no prospects,no hope,no nothing.(Double negatives are acceptable in Haletown).My wife and I have -(had)-three income streams and we dutifully( Foolishly?)pay income taxes.I have to ask,"What Do They Want?What..do..they..want?Everything!I know people that hardly worked in'09,yet they seem to get by just fine.Now I learn they got a tax refund of up to five thousand dollars!It doesn't matter that they paid no taxes to begin with.China-Mart lobbied con-gress furiously for this,I'm pretty sure.The Democrats are desperately trying to buy votes to remain a majority after mid-term elections.Pelosi and Reed are frightened for their cushy appointments.(Pelosi and Reed,doesn't that roll off the tongue, kinda like when you puke after a weekend when your supposed to"Be off doing comedy" but in reality you've been delivering the old punch line to a cheap woman named Heather(Hillary?) and swilling cheap vodka named Heaven Hill).The Republicans,or Democrats, stand at the podium in their respective chambers and blast the other party knowing C-Span is capturing it all for the folks(fools) back home.We, whom they lovingly call the sheeple, buy it hook,line and smoking turd.Vote for us or the terrorist win.Vote for us or the bankers win.Politicians are like professional wrestlers,only twelve point five trillion times worse!($24.95 per ticket to see the main event compared to what the con-gress has allowed the Fed to saddle us with).With both there is a lot of rhetoric."I will destroy Rick Flare before he knows it,OWWWWWWW!""This bill will destroy America before you know it,OWWWWWWWWW"!John Morrison verses Chris Jericho on Friday night .Bob Coker verses anybody that doesn't have money, i.e.working people,on Monday morning.Then after demonizing the opposition,they adjourn,to a restaurant and/or bar, to eat a tax payer funded t-bone steak and propose a toast;To us,The Elite. Republican and Democrat but no Independents! They may vote for the people,except for Liberman, he's a whore also. At least with a wrestler you know where he stands.When he delivers a skull crushing punch,he stomps his foot on the mat for a sound effect,because no craniums were destroyed in the making of this match.Where do you think professional wrestling got the idea to be fake.That's right, con-gress.When I was a kid, Harry Thorten had a wrestling show on Saturday(Chattanooga ,Tennessee;WDEF TV).Three matches in all.Televised with free admission for studio audiences. The first match one tag team would win, then,predictably the other team would prevail,(sound familiar huh,huh, watch C-Span dumb ass)!The third and final showdown would erupt,chair whooping,card tables being crushed under a miscreant that really,really deserved it.(Exactly like the health care debate bill.)The third event inevitably ended in a draw.(Getting the pitcher[sic] now Skippy.)Harry would loudly proclaim,"Come to the Auditorium( and buy a ticket to this Private venue)and see the "Biggest card ever"!SEE,SEE,Politics and wrestling,the same! Need more proof?OK.Growing up my sister was a HUGE fan of a tag team named "The Hillbillys". Their claim to fame was a hold called the "possum stomp".The "Billy" would clamp his opponents head between his knees and jump up and down until the victims brain stem separates from the spinal cord.This was the appearance anyway. I'm sure that this particular move could have resulted in paralyzes or death had the hillbilly's wished.But it was only a show designed for the weak minded masses. After the crowd had left and the proceeds had been divided up, the combatants went to the nearest restaurant and/or bar, to eat a ticket buyer funded t-bone steak and propose a toast;To US.The Elite!That is all well and good to those of us that recognize these things for what they are.But my older sister (by eleven years) was and is,a believer.And a huge Hillbilly's fan.When I was six or seven,I shot my sisters cat with a stopper gun.Admittedly I had removed the suction cup from the dart,I was six(or seven)for God's sake.Anyway My sister grabbed me, stuck my head between her knees and began to possum stomp me. It appeared I wouldn't be completely dead before our mother returned from the store,so my sibling made her way across the kitchen floor. She never missed a "stomp" because that would have been a double dribble. She arrived at the cabinets and continued the "stomp", along with running my head into the said cabinets.And it wasn't fake.I was near death or at the very least facing life in a wheel chair,when my mom came home. Good old mom, she'll save me.Sure enough she said,"Linda quit that!"Thank God for my mom.Then she said, "Your going to ruin my cabinets with your brothers teeth!Here's a card table and a folding chair go play out side."As my eighteen year old Amazon sister drug me towards my death, I yelled defiantly "Who's your cousin!".cousinricky.llc.2010