Extinction Level Event

Every year about this time my biker buddies and I head off to the Louisiania gulf coast region for a drunken vacation.It has always been a fun trip,some sight seeing punctuated with hedonistic alcohol consumption.Our wives all think we're there for sex with the locals,but the women of the gulf coast are more resilient to our charms than the lady's of the Tennessee valley.That is why we don't have children that far south.One year,after Katrina,we ran into a fellow we knew from Sand Mountain.He was there as a contractor via the Bush administration.He was setting up FEMA trailers.His contract was two grand per unit!He had a twenty man(Mexican)crew and was billing the government about sixty thousand a day!We asked him and his woman to come stay at our hotel so we could catch up on old times.He declined because he had his motor home there.Or, as I would like to think,he had to get her(the stank) away from me before I pulled the uterus out of that thing and sent her back to him gutted.My brother was impressed when our friend's fubee(phuck-beast) recognised me from my comedy show.My ego blotted out the sun until later when she referred to me as a"drunk".I called this cunt by her name and she retorted" I can't believed a drunk remembered my name"Here's a nineteen year old gold digging slut hanging with a fifty year old sugar daddy,whoring her self out to a man that's exploiting a natural disaster(and the taxpayers)calling me a drunk.OK.I give you that,but at least I haven't got someone stabbing around my 'tant with a semi flaccid penis while I watch Leno.Three hole Sand Mountain girls,don't you love 'em!She was trying to get pregnant and he was resisting by proffering a limp noodle."Give it a little kiss,why don't cha sis.It'll stand up for the flag,"he said.Speaking of worthless, jizz filled,skanking whores,BP has jerked the uterus out of everything and everyone on the gulf.If you needed anymore proof that the two party political system is one and the same,I saw a webcam video of Dick Cheny beating his tadpole and watching footage of the spill.Hillary was waiting nearby with a damp towel.This is an extinction level event folks.You four people that read this blog will be prepared and everyone else will die. Good enough for them.This is the begining of the end. Get you beans,bullets and bandaids people.Aw hell that won't help,we're all gonna die.You first.

Game the system

Well,well, the economy is getting better.Right?Sure it is.If you believe that,I have some Goldman Sucks stock that I'll sell you. I've worked eight,no seven and a half, days in the past month. Not too bad considering the half day paid over thirty shekels per hour!But now I can't get those idiots(faceless lummoxes that constitute the public sector) at the unemployable office to send me the check(s) they owe me.Everyone should encourage their kids to seek work in the public sector because there is no private sector anymore.What little work left in America is given to illegals.The rest is shipped over seas so the big money people can show the unions who the boss really is.The uber rich scum vilified the unions for wanting a safe work place and a decent wage,calling them communist.Many(most) Americans,too stupid to properly wipe their own asses without instructions from some lazy doper on the radio,agreed."Unions are communist",they cried,chewing tobacco spittle running down both corners of their mouths."Communist!"And my favorite,"We're a Christian nation we don't want no damn commies!"So,with the bleating sheeple's attention so easily diverted,the powers that be shipped all the good paying jobs to where?Communist China,where giving out Bibles will get you fifteen years at hard labor."That'll show them unions".People with a decent job bought items locally at the hardware store,the appliance shop,the corner grocery.Once you go from eighteen dollars an hour to eight you have to cut corners.Hence the rise of China-Mart.Then to make matters worse,the more money you give Sam Walton's worthless scumbag kids,the more jobs that are lost to the commies.So teach your children that they need to get a government job.If they are too lazy to drive a taxi(most are)they can be a cop.If they are too lazy for law enforcement(hard to be that lazy)maybe they can find a hidy-hole at the public works department.If they really,really despise kids they can be a teacher.If they are truly a waste of good air,with a big huge fat ass and won't ever,ever,lift a finger to help anybody except themselves,they will fit right in at the Tennessee unemployment office.Now that the real jobs for real Americans are gone,we have half of our workforce on the government dole.Even if you are a public employee that works hard and does a good job,how can a dwindling supply of taxpayers afford you.The growing numbers of wetbacks are gaming the system,getting food stamps,section eight housing,fishing without a license,driving without a license or insurance and getting their kids a citizenship and a first world education.Big business loves illegals because they can't complain about seven bucks an hour.The business' give them seven dollars and the taxpayers give them another ten per hour.That is a lesson in corporate welfare,sheeples.So what is a person supposed to do.Game the system yourself.Don't buy a hunting license. Spot light deer.Kill a doe,it's better eating.Those horns on a buck won't feed your family.Put out a trout line,it's the lazy man's way to fish.Round up the neighborhood kids for a trip to get ice cream and while you are out drop by the department of aid for dependent children and sign up.It helps if the kids are real skinny and dragging a loaded diaper about two feet behind them.Put a pillow case on your head and call yourself a disadvantaged minority,the U.S.goverment will give you motel or convenience store(you will have to supply your own porno magazine counter). Become an ordained minister.People will give you stuff if you preach fire and brimstone.Things like a home,a car,food,ten percent of their pre-tax income.Sex.Lots of sex.Get a good looking piano player then teach her the finer points of pounding those keys!Shame her husband into mowing your yard.Send them both home sweaty and bowlegged.As your zipping your pants and wiping fried chicken from your mouth,mummer under your breath "Who's your cousin"!

Pud Pulling Nursing Home Residents

Today is Sunday.I type this in the morning hours because today is the day that Star(The Dog) and I go visit the less privileged among us.That's right,the nursing home.You know the place where productive members of society are dumped when they no longer prove to be one hundred percent useful.Like baby setting,and then having your supper packaged up in Tupperware(like a take-out place except the food is delicious)when you stop by after work to pick up the little tykes.Or,because both parents are SO busy with school,ballgames,cheer leading,spelling bees,work,extramarital affairs at work,etc.that grandpa runs by and does the yard work.But when the kids start to school,the teachers are now the baby setters and Granny isn't as needed.Her feelings are naturally hurt because she thinks(knows)she was used! So she stops cooking take-out. Bad decision Granny! You've just oiled the skids to the hell that awaits,also known as (a.k.a.)"The Retirement Community".The talk begins among the old woman's(She's 67) children."You know, I worry about mom living by herself".The other kid(s) see where this is going and not wanting to be the one that gets stuck with maw maw,hedge their bets." You're right, she's been going down hill ever since dad died while weed-eating your yard".It all starts with an"Assisted living facility"(because mom deserves the best).Like an apartment where someone comes by to beat,no, I mean rape,no,no, comes by to check on grams every day.Her children then find out that granny's estate must pay for the"Assisted living facility"and not the taxpayers.Grandmother's bank account is emptied with the quickness and real estate agents are on her house like a preacher on a free fried chicken! Still, the cost of the "Assisted living facility" is more than the government(taxpayers) will fall for.The children, not wanting to be out any cash to help the person who gave birth to them, co-signed the note for their first house, and generally spent the most productive years of her life caring for some ingrates, look for cheap.So granny is down graded to nursing home("She'll be happier there")That's where Star(The Dog) comes in.She is a miniature Australian Shepherd,full of kinetic energy like a leaf spring on a jacked up Jeep.She hits the door doing her whole body wag, shedding hair and dander to get these thankful folks' sinus' up and running again(pun unintended,but still welcome).She visits each and everyone for a brief second before moving on with someones I.V. bottle hung on her collar.We stay as long as I feel comfortable(about twelve minutes is all I can take of the weird dude with the large forehead) .Hitting on me,He says"You need to go out with me sometime"."And you need to sell some of that excess forehead space for local advertising.(Like a billboard,only bigger.)Earn some extra coin"I retort.Just before I build a shoe store in his ass,we are ushered out.
On the drive home I recalled the special times I had with my own grandpa at the nursing home.He was a victim of Alzheimer's disease and had no idea who I was but that made it more fun for me. You see when people lose their minds they become another person entirely.Gramps became a sex fiend and rubbed one out day and night,day and night.As he puller his pud he would call out the name of my long dead granny."Ninny,Ninny",thinking he was making babies with his wife."Ninny,Ninny!"He would cry out.I would encourage him."Hit it hard paw,paw.Hit it like you live!"Leaving,I would walk by the nurses station.They would stare at me with eyes narrowed to slits and I would give them one last Ricky-ism."My grandfather needs a tissue",I would say."Oh yeah,Who's Your Cousin"copyright,cousinricky2010llC.

Terrorist Murder of Happy Days Stars

My wife loves reality shows,right now American Idol is on and Wanda Sikes is dispensing humor!HA!That's almost as funny as saying America Idol is dispensing talent!When I was growing up,critics derided Happy Days,with stars,Henry Winkler as Fonzie,Anson Williams as Potsie,both of whom were killed in an alleged spying mission over Canada,after their plane was shot down.A little known white separatist group calling themselves Monty Python,an ancient Gaelic term meaning flaccid penis,claimed responsibility.It was long suspected that they were insanely jealous of Happy Days' well written humor and spot on satire of current events.Ron Howard(Ritchie Cunningham)went on to write and star in such iconic hits as Star Wars,Pretty Woman,Titanic,E.T.,The Vagina Monologue,Forrest Gump,Saving Private Ryan,Water World,Dances With Wolves,Mad Max,Halloween,Blair Witch Project,Avatar,Alice in Wonderland,The Andy Griffith Show,Gone With The Wind,Scary Movie(s)1,2,3 ,and several other movies that the lying,thieving,hacks,The Wayans brothers said they wrote.The United States,fearing British entertainment terrorism,provided around the clock security for America's preeminent screen writer,bard,play write,director,and actor.Ron Howard is American entertainment.Once while working as a Walden Security guard I was on a UPS flight across the Pacific Ocean.Shackled to my arm was the only working manuscript of an unknown movie named Jurassic Park.Just before the plane was struck by lighting, Ron and a CIA agent named Tom Hanks,,jumped me in the cargo hold.During the struggle I cut the hydraulic line to the rudder and the plane started down.Ron and I struck a deal and using the only two parachutes on board,bailed out.We left Tom to go down alone on a deserted island and deliver a particularly nuanced performance in Castaway.Later as the Academy award winner in each category was announced and none were was named Tom or Ron,I bellowed "Who's your cousin!?" copyrighrcousinricky2010LLc.

4:20 and dead Dead Marley

It's 4:20.Do you know where your children are?Hope they're only toking dank.Not doing criminal activity.Like smoking scrub.Lord forbid!

2012 and those damn Mayans.

Today I tilled the garden with the MTD counter -rotating, rear tine tiller. It belongs to my brother but he brought it to my house and dumped it off after it caused him to need a knee replacement.That years garden cost him thirty thousand dollars.Then while he was convalescing,his wife decided to plow her flower patch, and the tiller pinned her against the house and broke a couple of ribs.That's how I inherited it. I am grateful....I think.I am typing this with one hand because, the tiller of certain hurt(TCH) hung on a root,lurched unexpectedly to the left and pulled my right arm out of socket.While I was flailing about in obvious pain the TCH saw it's chance to escape and tried to chew through the new fence.A family of city dwellers drove by, witnessed this scene and were frightened by it.They did not stop to help.They did speed away.Writhing about in agony,I finished turning the soil with my fore head.Thankfully Star(The Dog) saw what was happening and jumped on my back causing the shoulder and arm to pop back into alignment.The pain was subsided enough that I was able to guzzle some George Dickle Tennessee sipping whisky, further reducing the pain ,as well as reducing my ability to speak and type.Star(The Dog) is walking around my chair,concern written on her face. Puss (The Cat)has no such worries. She could care less about my well being.Puss(The Cat) is looking forward to 2012 and the end of the Mayan calender.She is hoping for the end of humanity just so I am killed .Puss(The Cat) wants only herself and my wife to remain alive.Kill them all except for one .Save the wife to pour the Kitten Chow.Many people are worried about the end of the Mayan calender.They say the Mayans predicted the end of the world,that they were geniuses.I say I am smarter than the Mayans.I am still here and they are history. HA! At least the anthropologists say they are extinct,for whatever that is worth.All the experts said the coelacanth was extinct.Native people along the coast of Africa have been catching them forever,although they said(and I quote)"They taste a little like fish".And the "experts" said the Ivory Billed Woodpecker was gone as well.HA HA! FOOLS!There's a nest,in a tree, right down the road at the Mayans house.That's right, there's a family of Mayans living in Haletown! They wear very bright and colorful clothing, and speak in an ancient dialect.None of us understand.When they are in a hurry they say pronto. When they are hungry they say burrito.When they are thirsty they say cervas.They are through with working in astronomy,they now are employed at Tennessee Galvanizing.The Italians running the place love the Mayans, because they don't complain about the poisonous fumes.When the the Mayans get sick they go to the county hospital for free care(because the Italians don't provide workers comp for Mayans)and the rest of us taxpayers are grateful to pay so the operators(Italians)can continue to live the life style they so richly deserve.It's free enterprise at it's best baby.No welfare. Give them a job ,then work them 'till they turn green from zinc poisoning,Goddamn it!If you can't keep up,crawl off and die,you worthless bastard.It's free enterprise.So you've ingested a few neurotoxins and now you've got a lazy eye and a full body twitch."We(and I quote)could deal with the eye,but the twitch angers the customers".There's aways another another Mayan at the door looking for work,because the people we elect are Pure Capitalists ! They say USA!USA!USA!Because that's what gets them re-elected!Simpletons will stock pile beans,bullets and band-aids and then vote for the same assholes ! 2012 will be the end of the world because a tribe of simple phucks, living in the jungle,sacrificing virgins,(we all know the bitches needed it) and worshiping the sun, were correct on the movement of the planets and the constellations !Right now the Mayans are paving the road in front of my house and I talk for a living.Who's the dumb ass?I ain't got a shovel in my hand! But it's probably a Freemason conspiracy right,you liberty loving bastards.Would that be the same Freemasons that signed the constitution that you hold so dear?The same people that helped shape the form of government that you now claim sole ownership to? Honestly, as I type this Tim Allen on Jimmy Kimmel live is poking fun of the masons.He Never WAS funny! Now the Mayans,who I've invited in from the road with a promise of a cervsa and a burrito,were impressed by the idiot tube.One tribal elder said(and I quote)"Fur Ma' pronto,Ces's hua cosuin" That's Mayan for "Get your preparations in order;food,guns,ammo,a bug out spot,and a water purification system,and hurry!Oh yeah.Who's your cousin!"copyrightcousinricky2010llc.NOTE: This blog was predicted by the Mayan.Research it at; Bolder :6, Stone:2578,Rock:445,Gravel:9,Pebble;20210.I ain't lying dude.Look it up bitch.It is written!

NASCAR gang wars

It's the weekend and Nascar time for the gear heads.Today's Nascar is packaged for mass consumption.Emotionally neutral drones driving 'round and 'round.Yawn.It wasn't always like that.Nascar drivers were the original gangstas.At the 1979 Daytona 500,which was the first time a Nascar race had been televised live from flag to flag,there was a brawl at the end of the race.Most of the nation was watching due to a huge snowstorm on the east coast. On the last lap,a bloods vs.crips turf war erupted. Cale(Switchblade) Yarbrough rolled up on Bobby(Big Moneys) Allison and began flashing gang signs.While looking for his handgun,Bobby's car wiggled, and he got into Cale. They both wrecked and began to gang bang on the back stretch. Bobby's posse arrived in the form of his bro. Donny.The 'banging spilled over to the pits and even an alleged drive-by on motor home row!While all this was taking place, Richard Petty, a known member of the Wu Tan Clan,drove to the win. As the five-oh restored order by laying a Rodney King style beat down on the homeys,Richard Petty was in the winners circle drinking a forty with the moneys and the honeys.A young driver from Owensboro Ky.(a well known entry point for international street gang members), by the name of Darrell Waltrip, was an emerging player in the 'hood,as the Nascar community was becoming to be known.Although Waltrip managed to keep his crew behind the scene for years,it came to light when he finally won the 1989 Daytona 500.The time had come for MS13 to assume their place along side the other gangs.With their driver (Waltrip) winning the prestigious race, MS13 had finally come of age.As if anyone needed any more proof of the total street gang take over of Nascar,one only needs to look at video of the after race celebration.Waltrip,with cap turned to the side, doing the Spanish gang's signature victory dance,the Icky shuffle.The gang affiliation in Nascar wasn't lost on the intelligence community and they had inserted counter OP's by the mid-seventy's.Rumored CIA double agent Dale Earnhardt and British SAS operative Bill Elliot began a back and forth win campaign,which eventually crippled the other crew's ability to secure sponsorship and thus their ability to rumble.By the turn of the new century, international intelligence agency's had so infiltrated the Nascar crews that racing was a bland,lifeless shell of it's former self. Drivers were afraid to call attention to themselves, lest they be injured or killed in a last lap "incident".The attention by the law enforcement community forced the gangs to the inter-cities,where the risks were much less ,as were the purses. NOTE! I offered up this hypothesis to CMT for their "20 Greatest Red Neck Moments II.Return Of The Neck! Although they video taped it(probably for the FBI) they declined to use it on air. As I was being shown the door I defiantly turned and grabbed my crouch and loudly proclaimed "Who's your cousin"? copyright 2010cousinrickyLLC