Four days of Desperation

This unemployment scenario is not looking very viable.Don't get me wrong,I enjoy laying around all day in my boxers,the kids wailing for their pop tarts and listening to my wife gnash her teeth.She isn't angry,her teeth don't align properly due to affordable dentistry(i.e. none).When she eats it sounds like a DR Wood and Brush chipper. That's some good looking mulch your turning out honey.I now understand what millions of my fellow American have been going through these long,long months. The suffering of the masses since Wall Street bankers pulled off the largest raping and pillaging in the history of mankind, is unprecedented.Sure there was the Holocaust,The Roman Catholic Inquisitions,the Stalinist purges,the plagues(two of them,both red and black),Pol Pot and the killing fields,the Mongol invasion and the subsequent collapse of the Roman empire.Admittedly these were pretty bad,but I wasn't alive then so all that suffering combined can't compare to what I'm going through now.The savings account has been drained.I have maintenance issues with both cars and the house desperately needs a roof.When I was laid off last Wednesday,I knew it would soon get bad,I just didn't realize that it would only take four days for our total financial collapse.Oh, if only I could print money out of thin air like the Federal Reserve.I could postpone the day of reckoning until my grandchildren and their children were working.Those rubes could pay the bill for ol' dads irresponsibility.Damned rubes! That's what they get for being born.My wife(GASP!!) had to do her own nails.Times are hard when a deserving American can't afford the services of a third world immigrant.Next thing you know I won't be able to drop by Swan Therapy for my weekly Korean hand-j; I mean my deserving massage.Today on the way to the Aeropostale store at the mall my wife and children drove right by a Starbucks and didn't even stop!Did not stop! They feel they deserve a medal, and rightly so.Next week( or year, it'll take the bank a while to put a pitiful family out of their home,maybe even until 2012 when the Dem's lose the oval office, both Houses ,most Governorships and the union vote)we may be homeless.We'll be living under a car hood down by the creek, but we'll wearing designer clothes.They may be a little to big for us because we will have lost some weight,but it'll only make me more swagger bad, pants sagging ,cap aways turned towards the place we used to live.I'll have a grill made from an actual grill.And two nice Harley's.And tarps to cover the Harley's.They're iconic Americana(That's a phrase in Haletown)and deserve protection.And they're paid for!!!"Must have your priories in order or you will live in disorder."Cousin Ricky copyright2010. [My brand new quote for you dear readers]But back to this post.We need charity now,dammit! Like in'95 when a tornado hit Haletown.Budweiser in Cartersville GA. quit bottling beer and started bottling water for us survivors. There I was standing in the ruins of everything I owned,nay, everything I had ever owned.Wife missing. House gone.Garage in shambles with my recently completed custom Harley Davidson Super glide among the ruble.I was frantically searching the debris,like a crack smoker looking for a dropped crumb,not for my wife, but for one of the many firearms I used to own. So I could end it all,stop the suffering with a well placed gunshot. Then a beer truck began backing in.With the reassuring BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP of a backup alarm telling all within ear shot"It will be okay. Sure you've lost a wife, and your hog is destroyed,which is much,much worse.But we're here for you O tortured soul, with all the beer you care to drink.Get yer fill". Then when the local action news team shows up give them an Oscar nominated performance as soon as the lights go on. Turn on the water works,and not a little blubbering, about how you can't live without her. Of course you'll be talking about the bike, but it will make good T.V. May go national. But,just as you start getting ready,tears welling up, a snot bubble growing from one nostril for effect,the beer truck that you've recently based your new reality career on turns out to not contain beer! It has water!I don't want water! I've just lost everything, I want alcohol! I want to get ass dragging sub-soiling knee,walking drunk. You want to give out charity, give me beer,a hot wienie and a couple of blue tarpaulins.The next day I may take some of that water. To wash my goat stinking ass. While I shower I like to yell out "Who's your cousin".